Updated: March 18, 2014 4:15PM
Connor was married for 11 years to his college sweetheart. Three years ago, she died in a car accident. He’s now 32 and raising his twin sons. He says his dating history has been “steady, but bumpy.”
“The problem is that most of the women I’ve dated, about 20, fall into one of two categories. With the first category, I see red flags flying almost immediately. It’s usually that money seems to be really important to them or they’re very inflexible. It comes up on the first or second date, and I back off.
“With the second category, we hit it off and we’re back at her place having sex after the first or second date. Now that might sound great, and physically it is great, but I’ve never had a solid, lasting relationship built on a foundation of sex and lust.”
Connor says his attitude toward sex is based on his religious beliefs. “You don’t have sex before marriage. Now, I realize at this stage in my life, that’s not realistic. But I’d like to wait until a meaningful relationship has been established over at least a few months.”
Connor always has felt this way. When he was in college and dating the woman he later married, they didn’t have sex until they’d been dating for four months.
“We had a solid foundation for our relationship. Sex was just the icing on the cake. Today, I think sex is viewed as the main course of relationships.”
Connor tells his married men friends about his dilemma and they can’t believe he’s turning down great sex and breaking up with these willing women.
“The bottom line is I’m tired of leading a double standard of wanting to abstain from sex until I’m in a relationship, but instead having sex very soon with these hot women.”
He says it’s not all his fault. “It’s way too easy to get their clothes off. Part of me keeps thinking, surely, she’ll stop me, but they never do. I hope the next one I date will. I’ll have a lot more respect for that woman. And don’t get me wrong, these women are good, upstanding people with good professional jobs. For the most part, they’re single mothers raising their kids. They just don’t have the morals I’m trying to have. This can be difficult.
“One other note, I haven’t meet these women in sleazy bars or other unseemly places. I’ve met them in churches, at volunteer organizations, playing softball, through trusted friends and other decent connections. That’s what amazes me about how easy it is to get them in bed.
“So, now that I’m trying to walk the straight and narrow, are there any attractive, available women with good morals still out there? If there are, I’m having a difficult time finding them.”
Connor hasn’t asked me for advice, but I’ll give him some, anyway.
If you’re out with a woman you’re attracted to, tell her up front — like at the end of the first date— that you don’t believe in sex without a relationship. And then kiss her goodnight, leave her clothes where they are.
Anything else and you’re a hypocrite.
How long should you know someone before you have sex? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to firstname.lastname@example.org. And check out my new website at askcheryl.net.