Time to take a hard look at relationship
By Cheryl Lavin December 7, 2013 9:40PM
Updated: December 9, 2013 7:18AM
What do you think of a man who would sleep with you in an instant, yet doesn’t give you so much as a card on your birthday, Christmas, or Valentine’s Day?
Trevor and I worked together. He was married, and I was with someone, but we were both unhappy. I fell madly in love with him, and we had a year-long romance. We both decided to stay with our partners, but we’d still get together occasionally. This went on for another year. Three years ago, we both took different jobs, so we couldn’t “run” into each other anymore.
Weeks would pass with no contact. Then he would call, and we would end up talking. We would meet and you know the rest. This went on for another three years, bringing us to a five-year history.
He has his life, and I have mine, but he has a hold on me. Yet, he’s never said he loves me, and he’s never given me anything. Even when we were “on,” he’d give me a thoughtless little trinket on holidays. I always gave him gifts and gushy cards.
Last week he called to wish me a happy birthday. A few days later he phoned to tell me he had the day off and we met for coffee. Nothing happened, other than a passionate kiss, and he never suggested taking it any further.
I just can’t help feeling confused about his intentions and why he calls. If he were pushing for sex, I would understand, but he really doesn’t.
This isn’t about scoring expensive gifts — it’s about feeling special. Should I say something? I don’t want to break up over this, but I’d like a memento on special days, even if we’re no longer an item?
How do I approach this without sounding like I just want presents? I’m Not Greedy, But
Dear I’m Not Greedy, But
This is so not about gifts. This is about your life. You’re wasting it. Let me see if I have this right: You’ve spent five years in a semi-real, semi-fantasy relationship with a married man who gives you nothing — and I’m not talking about presents.
He gives you no time, no emotional support, no consideration, nothing, nada, zero and zip. His gifts were thoughtless because he doesn’t think about you.
Let me be brutally honest, you’re nothing more to him than a momentary diversion in the midst of a boring week or a month. He calls because he needs an ego boost, and you give it to him. All he has to do is pick up the phone and there you are, ready to drop everything for him. And what do you get in return? A broken heart.
Let me make this simple: His intentions are to keep his wife and use you in whatever way he wants. To answer your first question, I don’t think much of him. He’s selfish. He’s not your friend. A friend would bow out of your life since he has nothing to offer and tell you to get on with your life.
But you’re the one I’m concerned about. If you’re not happy with your partner, dump him and find someone who makes you happy, but don’t live in this fantasyland thinking this man cares about you. He doesn’t.
Got a problem? Or a question? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out my new website askcheryl.net.