Can cheating save a marriage?
By Cheryl Lavin November 9, 2013 6:53PM
Updated: November 13, 2013 4:23PM
A recent column quoted SHERYL (39), a member of VictoriaMilan.com, a website for cheaters who claimed infidelity could actually help a troubled marriage.
Wrote Sheryl, “Victoria Milan saved my marriage! Now I have a fantastic sex life, a loving, caring and happy life with my lovely husband.”
HEIDI isn’t buying it. “I’d be curious to learn whether Sherry’s husband is equally happy, or even aware of her infidelity.
“I understand the concept of an open relationship and it might actually work for a very small subsection of people. However, I imagine that in the majority of the situations one of the partners has a lot more power and the other person is willing to accept a lot less in order to maintain any relationship with them at all.
“Sure, a lover is new and exciting, possibly even more skilled than a husband or wife but then again, they aren’t the people you have to share the drudgery of everyday life with are they? They don’t have to deal with the kids, the bills, the in-laws, the chores and all the daily grind.
“You get to see a lover at their best, clean-shaven, hair done and dressed to impress. You don’t have to hear them complain about their boss or their sister in-law. People just dating or having an affair are on their best behavior. Having an affair is even less pressure than dating since, ostensibly, neither party is expecting any future, so all the effort goes into just having a good time.
“How about this, Sheryl? Instead of putting your efforts into some fling, why not put that effort into the relationship with your ‘loving husband/wife?’ Why not change your geography every now and then? Try new things with the old person? If your spouse really is such a stick in the mud that they won’t do anything with you, then I’m not sure how your having an affair is going to make them all ‘loving and attentive’ again.
“If your relationship is really giving you so little, then you’re probably better off single and should make that move.
FISH OR CUT BAIT TIME wrote in to say she’d been married for three years. It was a first marriage for her and her husband. No children. She’s 26, he’s 29. She found out, accidentally, when she answered his cell phone, that he’s been cheating for the past year and half.
She wrote, “I feel absolutely betrayed and the love I had for him has been destroyed. Frankly, I can’t bear to have him touch me. I can hardly stand to be in the same room with him. I want to divorce him, but I’m wondering if I’m acting too quickly.”
ALLIE writes, “Divorce attorney time. See a therapist to help yourself deal with it in a healthy way, but I don’t believe a marriage can recover from cheating for such a significant period of time.
“If you stay, you’re going to be writing again 25 years from now, saying how your husband has had multiple affairs, and you stuck with him for 28 years, and went to multiple therapists, and forgave him time and again, but now that the kids are grown, you want out, and your life has been miserable. Cut bait now.”
Do you believe an affair can save an unhappy marriage? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to firstname.lastname@example.org. And check out my new website askcheryl.net.