When no sex is enough sex
By Cheryl Lavin November 1, 2013 9:55AM
These days the last taboo may be choosing not to have sex.
We recently heard from Jon who’s 35, single and celibate — by choice. “I have no desire to date and am morally opposed to one-night stands. My career is growing and most days it doesn’t even occur to me that I’m not ‘getting any.’” He said people assumed he was gay.
Your thoughts . . .
Malania: I’m told the average man has a sexual thought at least once every 7 minutes. If he’s saying he doesn’t have any sexual thoughts, I don’t believe it for a minute. Also he should be aware that he’s saying exactly what Ricky Martin and others said before they came out of the closet.
There’s no sin in being gay or lesbian. I’m one of those rare Christians who has actually read the entire Bible. Neither Jesus nor God are against same-sex marriage. Jesus never said anything against homosexuality. There are a few lines in the Old Testament that have been interpreted that way, but if the God of the Old Testament had thought it was important, He would have put it in the 10 Commandments.
Hainey: There’s the possibility that Jon is asexual. A small percentage of the population is. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything “wrong” with him.
Phyllis: It’s fine if people have a low sex drive, but they should be very up front about it and not pretend that they’re “saving” themselves for marriage or “stressed out from work.”Let the people who are falling in love with them know. If they have a normal sex drive, they’ll be very frustrated if they’re with a person who thinks having sex three or four times a year is enough.
Cheri: Can’t we just accept that not everyone has the same desire for sex?
I, too, have been celibate for several years, and not because I’m a latent lesbian or emotionally blocked. Like Jon, I’m not interested in a one-night stand and I haven’t met anyone recently who’s relationship material. And most of the time, I don’t think the world is going to end because of it.
People have different bodies, personalities, and religions. We consider most of them “normal,” so why not allow different views on sex?
Just because someone doesn’t want to have sex under certain conditions doesn’t mean they don’t want sex at all. A person can have a normal or high sex drive and still not want to have a one night stand, or only want to have sex with someone they’re in a relationship with or married to.
I have a normal, maybe even high sex drive. If I were married to someone who only wanted sex three or four times a year, I’d go insane. The idea of sex with my next boyfriend, once we have a strong relationship, is incredibly appealing and exciting.
There are a lot of misconceptions about people who aren’t having sex — that they’re gay, that they don’t have a sex drive, that they’re afraid of sex, that they’re psychologically unhealthy. It’s kind of like saying that if someone doesn’t eat chocolate cake for breakfast, they must not like chocolate cake. Maybe they think it’s better as a dessert.
Are you celibate? Have you been? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to firstname.lastname@example.org. And check out my new website askcheryl.net.