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Boyfriend failing to adjust to new home

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Updated: November 11, 2013 12:15PM



Dear Abby: I have been with my boyfriend off and on for nine years. When I moved to San Francisco, we separated for a year, until he decided he wanted to move here.

He has been miserable and depressed since he came. He misses his family and friends. His salary doesn’t go as far here, so he’s always short of money. He has also had a string of bad luck — speeding tickets, car repairs, a stolen bike and a back injury. He says he’ll move back east soon if things don’t get better, and it’s making me anxious. He does nothing to turn around his problems.

How can I help him realize it takes time for a new city to feel like home and lessen my anxiety over his problems?

Anxious in the Bay Area

Dear Anxious: Your boyfriend does not appear to be anywhere near as adaptable as you are. You didn’t mention how long he has been in California, but if it’s longer than six months and he’s still homesick, you may have a life-changing decision ahead of you. Would you rather live “in his world than live without him in” . . . San Francisco? Even if your heart’s in San Francisco, his does not appear to be.

Dear Abby:

My boyfriend of nearly a year and I recently said “I love you” for the first time. Before he said it (he said it first) he told me he doesn’t want to start saying it “all the time” — wherein lies my dilemma. How often is too often? Do I say it every night before bed or only on special occasions?

Please help because I’m confused, and I’m worrying that I’m hurting him because I haven’t said it since that night four days ago. I don’t want to smother him or make him feel uncomfortable.

How Much Is Too Much?

Dear How Much: Not everyone is comfortable with verbal declarations of love, and your boyfriend may be one of them. Love is spontaneous, it’s a feeling — not a mathematical formula. Only your boyfriend can tell you how often is too often for him.

However, if you are sharing a bed, you should be able to express yourself fully whenever you climb into it — and his reaction should be positive (if not reciprocal) when you do.

Dear Abby: I am far from flat-chested (I’m a happy B-cup), but you wouldn’t call me “well-endowed.” My question is, why is it that friends and family members who have larger breasts constantly ask me if I would like some of theirs? I think it’s rude and, quite frankly, embarrassing. I would never turn the tables and say, “I’m feeling a little skinny. Could I have some of your fat?” What do I say when asked?

Perfectly Fine in Evanston, Wyo.

Dear Perfectly Fine: A few responses come to mind; none that I’d print in a family newspaper. My advice is to keep it simple and nonconfrontational. Smile and say, “No thanks, I’m happy just the way I am!”

P.S. In my opinion, a B-cup is well-endowed.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.



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