Weather Updates

Abusive father’s actions still hurt

Updated: July 19, 2013 3:26PM

Jamie and Jay have been living together for 10 years.

Jay’s father physically abused his wife and children. According to Jamie, he also sexually abused some of the children, including Jay. Yet, you’d never know if you saw the family together.

“Not one sibling sees anything odd about paying homage to dear, sweet poppa — dear, sweet, abusive drunken poppa,” says Jamie. “What often happens in these hyper-abusive families is that the children are, in an Alice-through-the-psycho-looking-glass way, tighter than ever. Their early childhood training was to protect their father and mother who did nothing to protect her children.

“The siblings have formed a cult-like union, joined in their support of the myth that ‘Daddy really loved us. They hang around each other so they’ll be reinforced in their beliefs.”

Jamie says Jay and his siblings stay close for another reason. “In the bigger world, people say scary things like, ‘Why didn’t you get an education?’ (Try reading when Dad is whupping you.) ‘Why don’t you get a job?’ (Try building confidence and self-esteem when you’ve been made to feel like crap every day for the first 15 or 20 years of your life.) ‘Why are you dressed like a Kardashian, but in a dress two sizes too small?’ (Because you’ve been made to think your only worth is your sexuality.)”

Jamie says this has nothing to do with their homosexuality.

“If I were heterosexual, I would still be the in-law who knows this psycho family for what they are. They would still see me as the one who didn’t buy into their fraud. Their father would still hate me for the knowing look I give him.

“I know what he did to those kids, and I know he’s Satan incarnate, and I haven’t been programmed to minimize it like they have. And when Jay has nightmares, I hold him, and when he wakes having forgotten the nightmare and minimizes the whole thing as if it never happened, I’m the one who won’t let him.

“I bet this sounds horribly colorful and worthy of a movie-of-the-week or something. Actually, we’re like many other boring married couples 90 percent of the time. The above backdrop is always there, in some sense, but don’t kid yourself, it’s a horribly common story sadly.

“I once met a recovering cocaine addict who said he could just walk into a bar and pick out a fellow user if he wanted to buy some. Well, I can walk into any Starbucks and pick our survivors of childhood abuse as easily than that. And they are everywhere.”

Jamie says he and Jay will probably get legally married one day. They’ll elope so they don’t have to invite Jay’s family.

Did you elope? Why? Are you glad or do you regret it? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants, to

© 2014 Sun-Times Media, LLC. All rights reserved. This material may not be copied or distributed without permission. For more information about reprints and permissions, visit To order a reprint of this article, click here.