She’s looking for a guy who doesn’t exist
By Cheryl Lavin January 29, 2013 9:05AM
Updated: February 20, 2013 11:31AM
Selma is a Catholic woman in her early 40s. She’s looking for a man without children who’s open to having them with her. She prefers a never-married man, but she will consider a widower or a man whose marriage has been annulled. She’s not having any luck.
She doesn’t think she’s picky because height, income and looks don’t matter to her. Here’s what you had to say ...
MADELYN: What are you looking for? The 40-year-old virgin? Does such a man exist? But I can see you accidentally finding a fortysomething Catholic gay man.
JADE: I’m guessing that subconsciously you really don’t want a relationship.
KELLY: You’re looking for someone who doesn’t exist or doesn’t want you. If I were a man in my early 40s who wanted kids, I’d be looking for a woman much younger than me because the odds of creating a child with a woman in her late 20s or early 30s are much better than with a woman in her 40s.
LISA: I’m 42. Do you know how many guys I know 35 to 50 who aren’t married with kids or divorced with kids? Four. And I know a lot of guys in that age range. Let me tell you about them.
Drew is 35, single, never married, no kids. He’s also Jewish, which may be a problem for you, and gay.
Matt is 45, single, never married, no kids. He’s also gay.
Ted is 50, single, never married, no kids. He’s also a hermit. There’s a reason he’s never been married.
Byron is late 40s, never married, no kids and Catholic. He’s a great guy. He’s also a scientist who exists on a totally separate plane from the rest of us and has an extremely hard time relating. Of the four, he’s the best match for you, but unless you can make jokes that only a rocket scientist would appreciate, you’re not likely to get very far with him.
Now, ask me about all the guys I know that are the right age whose marriages were annulled or are widowers without kids and are open to becoming fathers. None.
You may not think you’re being picky, but you are. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably want to avoid getting involved with a man with kids. Kids are a permanent tie to a past relationship that often brings with it a lot of drama.
But you need to understand that you’re fishing in an extremely small pond, which greatly reduces your chances of finding someone. You need to decide what’s more important — finding the guy who meets all your parameters or finding a guy with whom you have a reasonable chance of being happy.
And, about having children at your age, there are plenty of women who can and do have children well into their 40s. (Hey, I’m 42 and pregnant with my second child. I had my first at 40.) Unfortunately, just as many, if not more, frankly, cannot.
Men know this, so if they want kids, who do you think they’re looking for? I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest it’s not you.
Are you realistic in what you’re looking for? Send your tale to email@example.com.