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Jim Belushi: Hail to the meek

15th Anniversary Of Victoria's Secret SWIM Catalogue At The SLS Hotel

15th Anniversary Of Victoria's Secret SWIM Catalogue At The SLS Hotel

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Updated: November 4, 2012 6:25AM

W ho is it that said, “The meek shall inherit the Earth?” Was it Jesus or just God? The meek, the meek, the meek … I go through my day looking for these “meeks” because if they’re going to inherit the Earth, I kind of want to be their driver. They’ll need a driver. I want to be buddies with those guys.

I just go looking, looking, looking for the meeks. Where are they? They’re right in front of us! They’re the lawyers. They’re the damn lawyers. They have already inherited the Earth. They own it with the muck and mire of lawsuits, litigation and the slowing down of government.

In the old days, you would have one lawyer to handle everything: speeding tickets, buying a house, contracts, litigation, real estate, copyrights, leasing, entertainment, intellectual property, forensic accounting, criminal offenses … the list goes on. Now, you have to have a separate lawyer for each one of those categories!

So, say you need a divorce lawyer. Everything he does he has to talk to another specialist “lawyer.” And they all work in his firm. Divorce lawyers charge around 400 bucks an hour, and when he needs advice on your case from a “specialist,” he calls his buddy lawyer down the hall. They have a “meeting.” They talk about golf, have some coffee and ask questions about your case. The buddy lawyer is charging your lawyer $400 an hour, too, so now you’re really at $800 an hour. By the way, your ex’s attorney, he’s doing the same thing. And you’re paying for all of it. You know these guys could settle the divorce in two weeks, but they stretch the divorce out for two years, until both clients finally scream. These two opposing lawyers — who, by the way, have known each other for years and probably went to the same school and play horrible golf at the same country club — get together on the phone and they say, “Ok, they’ve ‘ripened.’ I think we got as many fees as we can out of these people. Let’s close it.”

Where are the Sidney Korshaks of our time? One call and it’s taken care of?

Listen, we all have to agree that there is too much litigation going on in this world. But every year it seems to multiply tenfold. Why can’t we stop it? Well, it’s because the lawmakers in Congress and the Senate are almost all lawyers, too! They’re taking care of their buddies, their old law firms and the growth of the meek industry to secure their inheritance of the Earth by creating more policies and more laws, which require more specialization. That means more lawyers, more law firms and more buildings that the law firms need to own. While, at the same time, law schools are funneling thousands and thousands of meeks per year like warring soldiers coming out of the Trojan horse. They are taking over. It’s endless. They have inherited the Earth. I want to be their driver.

I know what you’re thinking: You were thinking that it’s the “nerds” who were going to inherit the Earth, that THEY were the meek. Don’t kid yourself. Nerds are rock stars. Eighteen years ago when I met my wife, she was 25 years old. Damn, she is beautiful to this day. But you know, when you’re dating, you’re drinking a little wine, you’re making love every day. Well, back then, I had a little charm. I was kind of funny. I had more hair and was 30 pounds lighter than I am today. I convinced her to let me take a photo of her naked. What. A. Rocking. Body!

Well, I hid this photo deep in my computer. For years, she would go, “Where’s the photo you took?” “What photo?” “You know what photo. THE photo!” I said, “I lost it, honey. It’s been so long.” Sure enough, she goes to my computer, types in “rocking body,” presses “search,” and she finds the photo! She puts it in the trash on the computer, then empties the trash! Dammit! I call an I.T. rock star. He comes, does some magical thing and he finds that photo, buried deep in the sexual gut of my computer, where old porn-site photos are dying. What a rock star. A born-in-the-USA, The Boss, with-a-handkerchief-in-his-back-pocket Rock Star.

I tried to include the photo of my beautiful wife naked for this article. But apparently, one of the “meeks” at the Sun-Times says that there will be a “legal issue” if they print it. Not only do the meek inherit the Earth, they’re taking all the fun out of being on Earth. I think I want to be the rock star’s driver.

Jim Belushi will be in Chicago Oct. 18-20 performing at the club he co-owns, Comedy Bar, He donated his fee for writing this column to the Vineyard Playhouse.

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