If you’d prepared properly for the royal wedding, you were watching in your classiest jammies, with a professional lip-reader who’d agreed to sleep over. Apparently England has no law requiring lavalier microphones on its royals. So while we’ve been privy to Gary Busey’s every waking thought on “The Celebrity Apprentice,” we could only guess at the royal altar banter.
Barbara Walters happily took a crack at it, though. She translated a nervous Prince Harry saying, “Wait until you see her” to Prince William. Tina Lannin, a real lip-reader for O’Malley Communications, says it was, “Right, she is here now.” At press time, Walters had gone back to her day job.
Lannin also says that William cracked to his future father-in-law, “We’re supposed to have just a small family affair.”
A bit anticlimactic, as far as witty dialogue goes, but the bar hasn’t been set very high. At the first wedding to be televised in detail, the 1960 vows of Princess Margaret and Antony Armstrong-Jones, Prince Philip was seen to murmur to the bride, “Up Socks! Everything’s going to be fine.”
And then there was the 1973 wedding of Princess Anne and Capt. Mark Phillips. Observers swear that the queen, waving to the crowds from the balcony, said, “I think I have indigestion.”
The wedding of Prince William and Princess Catherine appeared to have no such hiccups. No lines were flubbed, no bridesmaids threw tantrums, the ceremony was mercifully short, and Kate’s Princess Grace-inspired dress is sure to launch a thousand eating disorders.
There were skeptics, though, and even philistines who slept through the wedding. “It’s a huge game of pretend,” Jerry Seinfeld complained earlier in the week. “These aren’t special people. It’s fake outfits, fake phony hats and gowns.”
Princess Beatrice’s hat — there was nothing fake about that. It looked like her brains had elegantly oozed out the front of her head and formed a bow. Now that’s a hat.
Many of us claimed indifference, but an analysis of tweets, Facebook updates and blog posts by Webtrends showed that 65 percent of all social media related to the royal wedding has come from the United States in the past month. The U.K. could claim only 20 percent.
I guess Americans are romantics at heart, and they love a wedding — any wedding — even if there’s no chance the bridal party will sweat to “YMCA.”
Granted, the kisses on the balcony were a bit chaste, even if Piers Morgan insisted, “That was a juicy one!” But despite Prince William’s well-publicized and tragic upbringing, there’s every likelihood that he’s fallen in love with a level-headed beauty who will make him happier than a crown ever could.
Now, for those of you still scoring your office pools, here are the details.
† Kate went with the Cartier Halo tiara, not the Swarthmore.
† David Beckham was indeed prettier than his wife.
† NBC missed most of the second kiss on the balcony, instead focusing on some airplanes going by.
† Camilla wore a dress of duck egg blue. No, we will not accept “robin’s egg blue.”
† The stupidest comment from the TV coverage is a tie, between Fox News Channel’s Gretchen Carlson (“You know, we don’t have royalty in America”) and Fox News Channel’s Shepherd Smith (“The public toilets must be overwhelmed”).
† British police arrested 43 troublemakers, with no reported streakers.
And one final reminder: The royal newlyweds have asked that instead of wedding gifts, you donate to their selected charities. But that doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate with a gift to yourself. Butter nail polish has put out an edition of No More Waity, Katie polish ($29.99 on Amazon), and you’ll turn heads with a Ring Pop replica of the royal engagement ring, which is $50 and surrounded by Swarovski crystals.