Market makes a monkey out of our expert
CURIOUS INVESTOR | Mr. Adam Monk way down
Today marks the end of the third quarter for American business, and the stock market wrapped up its quarterly affairs Friday. So last week was time to arrange our end-of-quarter rendezvous with Mr. Adam Monk, the Sun-Times stock-picking monkey who astounds human pundits with his ability to beat the markets. But frankly, the first intelligence I was given about Mr. Monk's current affairs wasn't good.
The five stocks he picked in early 2007 as the head of our Sun-Times Monkey Manager contest haven't done well. He's trailing the market, currently posting a return of 3.97 percent while the major stock indexes outdistanced him. The Dow Jones industrial average is up 11.5 percent this year; the Standard & Poor's 500 has gained 7.7 percent, and the Nasdaq composite index is up 11.9 percent.
And I heard our cebus monkey, resident of Animal Rentals Inc. at 5742 W. Grand, was down on his luck, falling back on his organ-grinder routine and the party circuit to make ends meet. Sure enough, I found him headlining a show at the Chicago Children's Museum. Mr. Monk was glammed up on stage, dancing to music and happily lifting quarters from kids' pockets, and the audience couldn't get enough of it.
It bothered me, though, that this counselor to moguls and potentates, this international media star was back to mere entertaining. I obviously had a long face when I greeted Mr. Monk, whose ability to speak he shares sparingly with anyone but me, his trusted Sun-Times contact.
"What's the matter with you, doofus?" he said. "You think this gig means I'm headed for the Pacific Garden Mission? No, they don't take monkeys there. Believe me, I'd send them a couple lousy mooching relatives if they did. Actually, this gig is a high-level research project on behalf of certain moneyed interests."
That's a relief, I said. I was worried because your stocks are nowhere near the performance of many of our reader picks. Remember, the winner with the year's biggest gaining stock in percentage terms at the end of 2007 gets a fabulous seven-night trip for two to Gran Bahia Principe Tulum in Riviera Maya, Mexico, courtesy of Apple Vacations!
"I know all that," Mr. Monk replied. "And you've got incredibly smart stock-pickers following this contest. But I've beaten the market four years running and I don't plan on ending that stretch now. You know my history: When the leaves fall, my stocks stand tall!"
What's this research for, I asked.
"I'm laying the groundwork for the children's museum's move to Grant Park. We're serving up propaganda in my show, pamphlets the little 'uns can take home to their parents about the wonderful new facilities that could be built except for hellbent high-rise dwellers ready to call the cops at the first spill of a juice box.
"We're telling people about the great new exhibits the museum would have room for in Grant Park. There's a technological marvel called Heckle Hizzoner, featuring video of actual mayoral press conferences, and the kids will compete to ask the question that sets the guy off into a rant. We'll print the rant, and give a bonus prize to the kid who can diagram the mayor's sentences.
"In the other corner will be General Disassembly, with computerized versions of the governor and the legislative leaders. The audience will be the lobbyists throwing money to get them to do anything, and then throwing more so they devour each other. There's a lifetime museum pass waiting for the person who can explain why we elect these guys in the first place."
What would happen to the museum space at Navy Pier?
"International media center for the Olympics," Mr. Monk said. "You see, it all fits together. You put the media people near the action, but away from the real city so they don't photograph crime, litter and the ruins of what we called the CTA. And to make sure the media won't go anywhere, the city will loosen up on the liquor licenses for Navy Pier."
What's your take on the market, Mr. Monk?
"Let's see, you give mortgages to people who can't pay, and then you're stuck when they don't pay. Is this what they teach at the Eastern colleges? Everything will be all right, unless you got a million-dollar house to sell. Stick with the tried and true where the demand never ends, like energy, food, consumer loans and awful music.
"Plus, I've got to plug my favorite strategy, investing in companies that mistreat their customers because you humans like it. Think of the insurers, the cell-phone companies, the fast-food giants. Service stinks, but lots of great stocks there. I'm thinking of adding Apple Computer to my buy list. They sell you a device that conks out in a few weeks, costs you a fortune to fix, and people can't get enough of it. That warrants inclusion in Mr. Monk's All-Abuse Portfolio."
But it was showtime, and Mr. Monk had to return to his museum work. I watched him interact with the customers. They colored his face with crayons and yanked at what's left of his fur. The low point probably was the hyperactive waif twirling him around by the tail.
"Getting too old for this," Mr. Monk muttered. "Maybe those high-rise dwellers have the right idea after all."
MARKET MAKES A MONKEY OF OUR EXPERT