The year of the monkey ... again
His 5 stocks soar collective 36%
"Yessirree! I had a great fourth quarter, just like I said I would," Mr. Monk said from his new office high above Wacker Drive and overlooking the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. When I visited, the little creature was chowing on caviar and flashing a new Rolex, which he wore around his neck because it was the only way it would fit.
"Fantastic year, '06 was," he said. "Look at my stock picks. I had it all: commodities, real estate, the biggest bank in India just when that country is becoming the back office of the world. Everything worked, and for my own investments, I added options to my portfolio in a big way.
"Man, you do that right, and it's like taking sugar pills with your Frosted Flakes in the morning. It really charges things up. But beware, oh faithful scribe. Warn your readers that options are not for everyone. Take only as directed. Past success does not preclude future stupidity. You could experience significant side effects, such as the loss of all liquid assets and the ability to fool people into thinking you have a skill."
Mr. Monk's 2006 performance follows an off year in 2005, when a different set of five stocks was up only 3.3 percent. His latest tally brings him back to his glory years of 2003 and 2004, when he logged gains of 37 and 36 percent with his picks. Every year since the Sun-Times discovered him at Animal Rentals Inc., 5742 W. Grant, Mr. Monk has beaten the market. So who needs an index fund?
"This year I've plowed some profits into a new venture," Mr. Monk said. "I call it Private Eye Electronic Products. I make tiny cameras people use for security or in a cell phone. But their real uses are espionage and marketing. We're going public, ticker symbol PEEP, as soon as I can fake up quarterly numbers for my accountants Howard, Fine & Howard."
How does this work, I asked.
"We're putting cameras everywhere, for free if need be. The police department, the banks, the fast-food joints all are signing up. And then once I scan your retinas with these babies, I can track your movements everywhere. It'll be like every breath you take is stamped with a bar code."
It all sounds a lot like Orwell, I said.
Unexpectedly, Mr. Monk was delighted. "Exactly,'' he said. " 'Oh well,' is all people say when you tell them they're on camera. 'Oh well,' is their response to giving up privacy in chunks. So, you're right about 'Oh Well.' I'm convinced the devil could win more souls by offering cash back on a credit card.
"The potential here is enormous. I've got a contract with a manufacturer of flat-panel TVs. You know that commercial with that creepy kid who keeps saying, 'It's the mirrors'? Geesh -- I can't stand that. What the little girl doesn't say is that all those mirrors are trained on YOU. I even had a deal with a Northwest Side massage parlor, but the cops got the wrong idea, and shut the place the other day. Just another example of small business never catching a break.
"I can build the most massive database of consumer behavior anywhere. I'll make those Google geeks buy me out, so watch for that PEEP stock."Will you really spy on people?
"Put it this way," Mr. Monk said. "I've already been hired to collect information on Barack Obama. So far, all I know is that he has seances with Abraham Lincoln, but that probably won't hurt him much with the electorate or the press."
Mr. Monk, a elderly native of the Brazilian rain forest and an alumnus of a research program at Duke University (it's true!) is now entering his fifth year helming the Sun-Times' Monkey Business stock picking contest. Watch the paper in January for the lowdown on his picks for 2007.
Before I left the PEEP headquarters, Mr. Monk called me aside for a private chat. "You've been a good guy promoting me and writing about the contest, so I've got a tip just for you."
At last, I thought, a true insider's tip from a master mind. What is it, Mr. Monk?
"Feb. 4, 2007. Miami. Bears 33, San Diego Chargers 21. Write it down and take it to Vegas."
Like I said -- Top o' the world!