It's stock-picking contest time

The bubbly is on ice and it's almost 2008. And that means it's time to bring out our inspirational tradition at the Sun-Times, our beacon of hope in times of uncertainty, our tribute to the wisdom of common sense. Yes, it's time for (cue the drum roll) the seventh annual Monkey Manager stock-picking contest for 2008, chaired by the eminent Mr. Adam Monk.

If you are new to these pages (and bless you if you are), Mr. Monk is an actual cebus monkey who confounds and astounds with his ability to select stocks. He marks them on newspaper stock tables and, in magnanimous glory, invites Sun-Times readers to show their stuff by submitting their guesses for the year's top-performing stock as measured by price gain.

So the contest is open. See the rules to the right of this column. The winner this year will get a fabulous Mexican getaway provided by Apple Vacations.

Monday's shortened session will be the stock market's last activity in 2007. Therefore, we'll announce our winner for this year in Tuesday's paper. I won't spoil it, but our apparent winner has been pulling away from the leaders with a stock that is up about 440 percent this year, and has gained 140 percent more than its nearest competitor.

Mr. Monk annually selects five stocks for the Sun-Times, and each year he has beaten the Dow Jones industrial average and the Standard & Poor's 500. Each year, that is, except . . . this one. If the results hold, this will be the first time Mr. Monk misses his benchmarks.

But that's not the half of it. You see, a few days ago Mr. Monk visited the Sun-Times to make his stock picks, an event documented by the German television network ZDF. Mr. Monk made an endorsement for president at the behest of the TV people, but more on that later. Our stock picker left for his next appointment, and days later I got a call from his "agent," Bill Hoffmann, proprietor of Animal Rentals Inc. at 5742 W. Grand.

"He's failing," Hoffmann said. "Come quickly. He's asking for you."

So I sped to Mr. Monk's abode, my anguished thoughts racing. He's 36 years old, after all, positively geriatric for his species. I found him bundled up in his bed, a stocking cap pulled over his balding scalp. He pointed weakly to a stack of Sun-Times and Tribunes nearby.

"I know my mind is going. My eyes are going. I can't find anything in the newspaper anymore. When I do, the articles seem to cut off in the middle."

Mr. Monk . . .

"I can't find the business section. Must be some sort of dementia. It's like everything is fading to black."

Mr. Monk . . .

"I can only make out a few words of your stories. They still stink. And oh, if I can just see a full Elliott Harris column one more time with the gratuitous photos, my life would be complete."

Mr. Monk, I said. There's nothing wrong with you. The newspapers have gotten smaller. There isn't enough advertising, so the space for news has been reduced.

Anger shot across his face. He tore off the stocking cap, threw off the covers and bounded out of bed. "So I've been suffering for nothing? That's low -- playing tricks on an old monkey. You guys deserve what you get. Who plans strategy over there? The guy who thought the next big thing was Sudoku?"

Glad to see you're feeling better, I said. Times are tough, and the industry is responding the best way it can.

"Yes, it's trying to appeal to people who don't read newspapers. The problem is, THEY DON'T READ NEWSPAPERS! What your industry needs is somebody with vision and ideas unencumbered by the past."

With that, a monkey flunky entered the room. "Mr. Monk," he said, "Sam Zell on Line 1."

"Beat it," Mr. Monk told me, and I was glad to comply. On my way back to the office, I pondered his stock picks for 2008 and also Mr. Monk's earlier endorsement for president.

We placed him on a poster bearing pictures of three Democratic and three Republican candidates. He had no interest in any Republican, and parked himself squarely on the face of Barack Obama, refusing to move.

I asked Mr. Monk about backing Barack, and he said, "I'm with him all the way. I'm a funder. I'm a bundler. I'm a boodler. Whatever he wants. We get a South Sider in the White House, and Chicago will be paving the streets with federal grants."

But Obama's supposed to represent a new kind of politics, I said.

"Yes," Mr. Monk. "The kind where the goodies flow back to us for a change."

OUR MONKEY'S FAVORITE STOCKSHere are the five stocks Mr. Adam Monk has selected for his 2008 portfolio. We pretend he bought 100 shares of each and will track his results through the year.
Friday % chg., 2007 Company Ticker Business close to date Comment
Marvel Entertainment MVL Character-based comics, toys $26.19 --2.7 Leans on Spidey franchise
WellCare Health Plans WCG Managed health plans 42.17 --38.8 Feds raided Tampa office in Oct.
Time Warner Cable TWC Cable TV systems 27.29 --33.8 Likely spinoff by Time Warner
Atheros Communications ATHR Chips for computers, phones 31.10 +45.9 Investing in GPS
Teradata TDC Data management software 27.50 +6.2 Spun off from NCR

Enter the Sun-Times' Monkey Manager stock-picking contest for a chance to win a fabulous trip. Send us your favorite stock and we'll track its performance all year. You'll win if your stock has the greatest percentage gain in 2008 of all the entries.
The winner will get a seven-night trip for two to Iberostar Paraiso Del Mar in Riviera Maya, Mexico, courtesy of Apple Vacations.
Follow these abridged rules and read the complete version at suntimes.com/monkeymanager.
•  Send a pick of one stock via e-mail or regular mail. Your pick must be listed on a U.S. market and trade for at least $5 per share as of Dec. 31, 2007.
•  The winner is the stock that shows the best percentage gain in price during 2008. Dividends don't count. If your stock stops trading, such as because of a merger, it's disqualified. Stocks that have their debut after Jan. 1, 2008, are ineligible.
•  Tell us your name, the name of your stock and the ticker symbol. Provide your address, daytime phone number and e-mail address.
•  For a tiebreaker (in case multiple winners pick the same stock), tell us where the Dow Jones industrial average will close at the end of 2008. Closest guess wins.
•  E-mail must arrive by 5 p.m. Jan. 7, 2008. Send it to monkey@suntimes.com, with "Monkey Manager" in the subject header. Regular mail must be postmarked by Jan. 7, 2008. Send to: Monkey Manager, Chicago Sun-Times Business Section, 350 N. Orleans, Chicago 60654.